I’m walking a new walk, never be the same again (Darlene Zschech)

June 1, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged eating disorder, faith, four years, freedom, hope, recovery, reflection

Today was a big day. A day of celebration, euphoria, and reflection on how far I’ve come. Today was my four year anniversary from being discharged from my last treatment center…

More simply put,

Today marks FOUR YEARS since I have been inpatient!

I seriously never thought this day would come. It seemed so likely that I would continue the vicious cycle of struggling, hitting rock bottom, finding hope and gaining life in treatment, relapsing, and beginning it all over again. After doing it several times, it didn’t even seem to be a possibility that “this time it was different”.

And don’t get me wrong, things have NOT been easy. Less than a year after I was discharged from the last facility, I was assaulted. With each second that passed by, I could see all of my hard work being washed away. I was livid, overwhelmed, and exhausted by the fact that this may send me back into turmoil. Why did something so awful have to happen after I finally felt like I was on the road to recovery? I feared this would be the end of me.  But I made it.

 What is recovery? How did I get to where I’m at? What do I need to do to ensure I continue on the same path? It’s a constant day by day, sometimes hour by hour struggle. There were times were I thought it was virtuously impossible, and that I would forever be classified as the chronic patient that my doctor once told me she feared I would be. I’ve slipped up, made mistakes, knowingly chosen to participate in my eating disoder when I knew I shouldn’t, and doubted my abilities in every which way.

But I made it! And I’m making it! I can enjoy myself out at a restaurant with friends, hike up a mountain, shop for new jeans without having to leave the store in a panic attack, wear a bathing suit and swim in the lake, and most importantly, wake up without feeling hopeless, helpless, and completely under attack from the eating disorder. Sure I have my moments. There’s days where I walk past a mirror and cringe because of what I see. It’s hard not to feel like I have to lose weight because every single stinkin’ magazine and billboard tells me that I should.

But I choose not to listen, and instead, live. Recovery is eating Gushers because I like them. Choosing to eat a cookie not because I’m hungry, but because it sounds good. Going for a walk outside with my dog instead of spending countless hours in the workout room trying to reach an impossible goal. Letting go of having to have my closet organized by color. Not feeling like I have to shower every day if I don’t want to. Blaring the music as loud as possible and singing along at the top of my lungs. SLEEPING. Being flexible. Living outside of myself. Dancing! Asking for help. Saying no when I don’t want to do something or am doing too much.
Breathing.
Crying.
Having faith, but also being okay with doubting.
Giving up on perfection.

It’s being okay when things don’t go as planned. Learning that God always has a Plan B. Looking outside of myself and my abilities. Trusting that even though life sometimes looks unfeasible, quitting is really the only thing that is impossible.

Recovery is the only option.